Thursday, January 13, 2011

Yeah, Buddy, I'm Talking to YOU!

My New Computer or Why I Should Throw Laptops Not Dishes

 I got a new computer a few days ago and decided to write a blog about a very amusing adventure concerning what happened after I brought it home. Then I was going to add a little anecdote about what I thought about mascara commercials.
Not only could I not remember my password, but I couldn't remember the email address I had created for this blog. I have a variety of emails I have made up to register on websites so that I can enter them and not have my main email address clogged up with junk. And I have had a couple of blogs in the past so I created email addresses for them.
It’s hard to remember if went with this blog or or maybe and even if I did remember, is the password the one I use for my bank account GiMmeMorEMoNey1966, or the one I use on 666burnbooks or the one for Think Geek Smartygeekygirl03241975 or the one for Facebook that I changed when someone hacked into my account, freetheturtles000 and I vowed I would change all of my accounts to new individual passwords?
No wonder I couldn't find the "on" button on my new laptop.
Technology, I am putting you on notice. Either stop screwing with my life or I will come for you. Yeah. You heard me. I am packing heat, baby. I will take you down. Okay. Big dish. Truly broken. Whew.
Now, about the mascara commercials . . . do they really think I am this dumb? That I believe the mascara used on these models’ eyelashes actually give them three inch long lashes? That it never enters my mind they are wearing false eyelashes?
I pick up the dish, it’s a long shot ,but it flies high and wide like a freaking heat-seeking Frisbee until it crashes into the office of L’Oreal, Maybelline and Cover Girl.
Now, about those lipstick ads . . . 

P.S. None of those email addresses and passwords are real. It's a joke. I kid you not. Or is it a joke? Is this just a ploy to make sure you don't try and open up my email without my knowledge? Hmmm, perhaps you'll never know. Well, until you try to open it. But don't try. I'm not kidding. I mean I am, but, well, you know what I mean. You don't wanna make me mad, do you? I got lots of dishes. Lots.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Why Cat Vomit Is Funny. Or Not.

Today's Dish Crashing in my Head: Geisha

A few months ago, a friend of ours (hereafter referred to as ED (Evil Dude) came and stayed with us for a while. We loved our ED (he wasn't evil then) and so we let him move in for awhile. We all got along well, but when he got back on his feet and moved, he was sooooo grateful for our help that he left us a thank-you present:
His cat. 
And not just any cat. A rare breed of cat known as the Felinius Vomitus Peelecticus, which translated means "Cat that projectile vomits every time she eats and has urinated on the floor every day since her beloved master left her here." 
Her name is Geisha and she is a Ragdoll--no, not like the kind you used to sleep with and bang against the wall when mommy wouldn't bring you a glass of water at night--but a breed of cat called Ragdolls. She is the sweetest little kitty in the world. However . . .
Her little, er, problem is making dishes collide inside my head, and I thought, hey, why should I be alone in my agony? So, please, join me. I am picking up dish #1 and giving it a big ol' toss right now . . .

Dish # 1:  This is a sweet, sweet little kitty. But she is not my kitty. She is your kitty, dear ED and you should come and get her so that she can do her business in the place she was meant to--your shoes and bed. Yeah, that felt good. Picking up dish number two.

Dish # 2:  Geisha has always thrown up after she eats, so this was nothing new or unexpected, however, our ED always cleaned up her messes. After a few days. Now, however, the ED is not here to clean up the mess. My husband is doing it. This dish is for him. (That one bounced a little).

Dish #3 :  Because my dear hubby is the one cleaning up the mess, he has decided--strangely enough--that we need to find sweet Geisha a home. Problem? Who would want to adopt a cat with these particular, uh, problems? She never did these things before ED left. She is obviously acting out. Traumatized. Unfortunately I can't afford a Cat Whisperer or Feline Psychologist, although I do have images of her lying on her back on a couch and telling a person wearing glasses all of the post-traumatic-stress she has had to suffer.

Now, let me interject here that we have been trying different kinds of cat food for poor little Geisha. She's obviously allergic or sensitive. So while we've been waiting on ED to come and get her, we have been spending thousands of dollars (okay, not thousands, I exaggerate) only hundreds of dollars on expensive cat foods, which don't include all the crap that cheap cat food includes like "day-old seafood turned into hard chunks shaped into triangles" and words my hubby can't read because he only has a Masters degree. The result: (Please insert sound of cat hurling her supper here)
You know,when ED first left, I would have nothing to do with Geisha. I knew I'd get attached to her and we already knew she was not staying. I already had a melancholy Corgi to look after with his big brown eyes that continually beseech me to "love me, pet me, throw my toy, why don't you love me, take me outside, give me a treat, loooooveee meeeee", and also another cat, KK, who uses me as a butler as he goes in and out of the front door fifteen thousand times a day. 
            But one night, soon after ED left and Geisha became our new "guest", she wandered into the living room, and I made a big mistake. I let her sit in my lap. Awwww. I mean, she's soft and small and fluffy and cute and I'm a Big. Fat. Sucker.
Now Geisha cuddles up beside me all day while I work on my laptop. She sits in my lap at night when I watch TV. She would sit there forever if I would let her. She loves me. And I, uh, well, you know, she's okay I guess. (Here, Geisha, let me feed you another tiny spoonful of ground chicken. Does that make your tummy better?)

Ultimate Disastrous Dish #4: I am getting attached to this little ball of vomiting fluff. But the dear husband is getting tired of cleaning up the horrendous messes. And I guess you know, my faithful readers, that I certainly don't want to clean up the mess either. Sigh. (Inside my head the entire kitchen cabinet full of dishes begin to fall in slow motion to the floor....)

Dish #5: I love this furry meatball and my granddaughter loves her--it used to be her cat (my daughter is allergic and can't take her). So what's a dish-breaking, cat-loving, non-vomit-cleaning girl to do? 
I pick up the dish, take it outside, aim it directly toward North Austin, and let it fly. I like to think it will actually make it all the way there, and picture the horrified look on our dear ED's face when he sees it coming his way. Ka-pow.

Okay, now I feel much better. Geisha, come sit in my lap.

Saturday, November 27, 2010


My dear friend, Lyndee Dudley, recently posted this comment on her FB: "I'm breaking dishes in my head." It was the most perfect of statements to me, because I, too, often break dishes in my head. And my kitchen. Her explanation of her statement was this: "Sometimes ... the frustration I feel in my head does not translate into the physical need to throw an actual dish, so instead i throw them in my head." 

Exactly. And sometimes you just can't throw the dishes physically because of the restraining orders. 

So what's with this blog? Well, when I read Lyndee's statement that day I immediately thought "What a great blog title." And "What a concept." Simple. To the point. Profound. I knew exactly what she meant. So I texted Lyndee and basically asked her if I could steal her brilliant statement and put it to my own uses. She graciously agreed, and so, armed with contraband philosophy and stolen profundity, I have begun a new blog. 

This one will be on a variety of subjects, depending on my mood, the severity of my madness on that particular day, and the dishes that need breaking. Sometimes it may be a rant. Sometimes it may be a plea. Sometimes it may just be more meanderings of a demented mind. Sometimes it may be something absolutely sane, but don't count on it. 

I don't promise to post every day or every week, but when I do post, I promise I will try to provide either entertainment or education. Today, basically because I already wrote it and don't have anywhere else to post, I'd like to share my recently composed LUCKY THIRTEEN BITS OF ADVICE FOR ASPIRING WRITERS. It first appeared on CEO of Thomas Nelson Books, Michael Hyatt's blog as a comment. Read it and then maybe tomorrow I'll tell you the TRUTH about aspiring writers. And if you're one of them, get ready because there may be dishes flying your way! .


1. Do your own research. Read Mr. Hyatt’s advice at
in his blog "Advice to Aspiring Writers" and follow it, then search the Internet for more information on getting published.

2. Read every book you can find on Writing, especially books written by authors that write in the genre in which you are interested.

3. Join local writers groups and national groups that represent the genre you want to write for; take advantage of their combined knowledge and available resources.

4. Take workshops taught by published authors. I didn’t really understand what was wrong with my writing until I took a class from SF writer, Warren Norwood. He changed my life!

5. FINISH your book before you even start thinking about submitting to agents. You can’t submit a query to an agent or editor until you have a finished manuscript in hand, at least for your first sale. Very rarely a new writer may sell on the basis of a proposal (three chapters and a synopsis) but that is highly unusual. Instead of worrying about how you’re going to find an agent, concentrate on finishing your book and making it as polished and great as you possibly can-—then do the necessary research to find an agent.

6. Join a good critique group, one that is supportive, yet honest. Be careful not to fall prey to groups that are all about tearing down the writer, not helping him/her become better.

7. GO TO CONFERENCES! I can’t emphasize this enough. Every state has writing organizations that hold conferences every year. This is the ideal place to be able to meet agents and editors in person, and even make a pitch for your book. But don’t just go for this reason. Go to learn from the workshops and improve your writing so you can FINISH that book!

8. Write every day no matter what. If you’ve been working on the same book for ten years, it’s time to either put it away, or finish it. You can never succeed in publishing if it takes ten years to write one book. Every published author must produce on a regular basis.

9. Seek to learn how to improve your writing instead of just wanting to be published. Seek out people with experience who will help you to improve. Surrounding yourself with people who pat you on the back and tell you you’re great, when you really need to develop your writing, only guarantees that you won’t be published.

10. Realize that publishers want books that they can “slot” into their established lines. Research those lines. Write a book that will fit one of those lines. This in no way limits your creativity. It will still be your own original and very amazing creation — but it will be more likely to find a home than an undefinable manuscript that is neither fish nor fowl. That rule, of course, is meant to be broken, but usually you have to find your way into the publishing business before you can start cracking the glass!

11. SF writer, Robert Vardeman once gave me the best advice of my life. He said “Be stupidly determined.” Sometimes trying to get published feels like you’re beating your head against a brick wall and feels, well, stupid. That’s okay. Be stupidly determined to get published all the way to the bank! If you FINISH what you write and do the research needed to navigate the waters of publishing, and seek to improve with every new thing you write, and follow the rules of submitting to agents and editors, you most likely WILL be published one day.

12. Getting published is not an impossible star. Stop treating it like fantasy and treat it as a very viable and possible reality. Then get to work—it’s not easy. It’s a long, hard road and it won’t happen overnight. Are you ready to persevere and give it your best shot?

And finally Lucky 13 –
If you’ve done all of this and you’re still not published, don’t despair. The truth is that until you get your manuscript in front of the right agent or editor who finds your story/style/voice amazing, you won’t sell. But that can happen! There are so many agents out there–you just have to keep trying until you find the right one. Also — if you have followed all of these suggestions and aren’t published, consider that you need to take a fresh look at the book you’re submitting. I know so many writers who can’t sell a book but they spend literally YEARS shopping it around, trying to sell it. I understand why. You’ve spent so much time, energy, blood, sweat and tears on this book. But move on. Write another book. Learn from any mistakes you’ve made. Get more input from other writers. Keep writing. Keep writing. Keep writing. Submit. Submit. Submit. Write. Write. Write. Keep persevering and being stupidly determined!!